A friend of mine called me last night with an offer to go to the Dodgers game on Thursday. I’ll go see a Major League Baseball game no matter what teams are involved, so it didn’t matter who the Dodgers were playing. It just so happens that the Dodgers will be playing the San Francisco Giants. As of this moment, Barry Bonds stands two home runs shy of owning the all-time home run record. I could conceivably see him tie or even break the record on Thursday—heck, the Dodgers gave up the record-breaking home run to Hank Aaron when he passed Babe Ruth in 1974. We’ll be sitting high in the left field bleachers, so the chances of us catching the home run are incredibly slim unless Bonds breaks his tendency and hits a deep, opposite field blast. But Bonds does play in left field, so I will get to bask in the creative and utterly foul heckling that only disenfranchised Raiders fans in the bleachers of Dodger Stadium can produce. I for one do believe that Bonds has broken the spirit of the rules of baseball and has taken performance enhancing drugs—people generally don’t grow two shoe sizes in their late thirties—so I am not a fan of him breaking this record. Aaron was and is pure class. Bonds, suffice it to say, is not. But if Bonds does break it, I’d like to be there.

Here is my question to you: if you were at the game, how would you respond to Bonds tying or breaking Aaron’s record?

  1. Cheer wildly for Bonds, one of baseball’s greatest players breaking a monumental record.

  2. Cheer wildly for the record, an historic feat that though perhaps not gained entirely fairly, is still a sizable achievement.

  3. Clap politely with respect for the career of Bonds and/or the record.

  4. Sit silently or turn your back on Bonds as he rounds the bases as a protest of contempt for someone who has no respect for the game and only sought personal glory.

  5. Whenever Bonds comes to bat, leave the stands. (A kind of a further step of the previous option.)

  6. Boo, cry to the heavens in lament, rip your clothes in shreds, bring a container of ashes, pour them on your seat, and sit in them for the rest of the game.

  7. Moon Bonds, give him the finger, make such a spectacle that you get yourself thrown out of the game and banned from all future MLB games anywhere.

  8. Other. Please describe.

My friend says he wants to bring a giant foam asterisk. I told him I would dig up a giant foam syringe or a giant foam medicinal tube. I doubt we’ll be able to find these items before Thursday night. Also, I’m an Oakland A’s fan so I have no love or loyalty to either the Giants or the Dodgers. My concern is more as a fan of the game and respect for its records. Unsavory characters have held all sorts of records in baseball, such as the all-time hits record. The last two men to have that record were Ty Cobb and Pete Rose—people who were both ugly marks on baseball. I’d still rather see men of good character succeed. Aaron is one of those men.

UPDATE: We didn’t witness history last night. Bonds went 1-2 and two walks. His hit was a single into right field in the second inning. After the Dodgers walked him in the seventh inning, the Giants pulled him for a pinch runner. The left field pavilion actually proved underwhelming. The fans were loud and incessantly heckled Bonds when he was on defense, but the jeers were generally uncreative. Lots insults calling him a cheater, chants of “ster-oids, ster-oids,” several BALCO statements, but nothing all that original. Aside from seeing a couple fans entering the stadium wearing lab coats with BALCO references, the one truly creative piece of heckling I saw was an inflatable syringe with muscular arms wearing Bond’s number, 25. Of course security removed this item, but not as quickly as you might think. Giants fans received a lot of grief, and that is to be expected because of the rivalry between the Dodgers and the Giants, but I wish Los Angeles fans would find some more interesting and original insult than calling any San Francisco fan some version of a homosexual epithet. That stereotype was old twenty years ago. One unintentionally funny statement came when a fan made an attempt at eloquence when he said in response to something his friend yelled to Bonds, “Sorry Barry, he went too far. On behalf of myself, I would like to apologize.” I think the intention was to apologize on behalf of his friend. It reminded me of Mrs. Slocombe’s repeated declaration, “And I am unanimous in this!” in Are You Being Served? (I bet you didn’t think I would drop a 1970’s British sitcom reference in a post on baseball, did you?) I thought the fans did a better job heckling Colorado Rockies’ left fielder Matt Holliday last year as he was just starting to make a name for himself. The Dodgers fans didn’t know who Holliday was from Adam, which forced them to be creative in their insults.